Mind of an Addict
by Tuuna
Summary: "He didn't love her. Of course not. Him being in love with Kelly Karpoor was totally and utterly ridiculous and that is what he maintained no matter who asked and no matter the pounding of his heart" Oneshot


He didn't love her. Of course not. Him being in love with Kelly Kapoor was totally and utterly ridiculous and that is what he maintained no matter who asked. Certainly, over the time they'd been together he had developed a certain... affection for her. Gotten used to her quirky ways, even found some of them a tiny bit endearing. But love? Preposterous.

So when he saw her talking with Darryl, her ex, he didn't feel jealous because that would mean that he actually felt something substantial towards her. No, if he felt upset it was only because she was HIS. From the moment he first kissed her she had looked at him with nothing but total devotion. She might be absolutely insufferable with her constant prattling about celebrities' love life. She might drive him insane with her eternal fantasy of them married with children. She might be totally ignorant in all useful sets of knowledge. But she belonged to him.

She was not allowed to turn her attention to any other. He made sure that her focus was always on him. When she called he didn't answer the first few times, when she texted he didn't respond, he made sure to maintain a steady distance between them. It drove her crazy, he was well aware but that was in a way the point. When she was insecure and clingy, desperate to get his attention she was wholly absorbed in him. Nothing could distract her from talking to him when they met, to smother him with her affections and demand from him the slightest proof of his ties to her. Those times she was absolutely, undeniably Ryan's woman.

It wasn't really a healthy relationship he knew. No one really understood why he stayed with her, how he could put up with her insanity day after day without bailing. They didn't understand that he had purposefully crafted their relationship into what it was. He was deliberately cruel, distant, and unfeeling in their interactions simply to get her to the point where her love for him was so glaringly obvious that it was almost painful. It had become an addiction, basking in the force of her feelings for him, a high he couldn't resist.

Sometimes he forgot tough, how important it was to keep his cool and not reveal that maybe he was more fond of her than he let on. He slipped and allowed himself to actually listen and respond to her long rants about some celebrities life, because he knew that while it seemed superficial it was simply that Kelly's heart was to big and she couldn't just not care. Or when she got strangely quiet sometimes and he knew that she was thinking about her sister, so he let his guard slip a little bit, hugged her a little too hard to pretend that he didn't care for her. Or in the mornings when they woke up and he couldn't resist giving her a short burst of morning kisses because she looked so cute, or the many many times he caught himself looking at her with the kind of feeling in his eyes that he wasn't supposed to have. Or the times... Yeah there were a lot of times he forgot that it wasn't _like_ he felt for her, and definitely not _love_.

He forgot and then things like this happened. She stopped driving him crazy talking about their future life. She looked away from him a little too long. She talked to guys like Darryl who definitely didn't deserve her attention. Then he remembered why he had to keep the wall up. Because being her whole world was his addiction now. He became shorter with her until she looked with him with such despair in her eyes, looking for the slightest gesture of approval, fondness. Only then did he feel content again, slowly forgetting what it was to loose her attentiveness until she again looked away and he remembered, then repeated the whole dance again and again.

He knew that he didn't deserve her, that everyone else was wrong in thinking she wasn't good enough for him when it was the other way around. When he was the one leading this whole charade, pulling her along in this chaos that was their relationship. All she did was love him with her whole being, with every atom in her body. The others disdain for her was undeserved but it allowed him to keep her in his web, be her rock and support when others folded.

Maybe one day it could be different. Maybe one day he would actually deserve her unfaltering feelings. Maybe one day there would be no need for this repeating dance of broken hearts and desperation. One day he might actually tell her those dreaded three words, meet her in a church with her dressed in white, come home to a home where every inch was filled with her special kind of warmth. It could be a new kind of addiction. Instead of hard edges and fierce, unyielding fire there would be calming, warm embers which they would always carry in their hearts.

Not now though. Today was not that day, and he was already feeling bereft of her passion. He wasn't feeling jealous, for that would mean he felt love and love was not the roaring feeling in his chest every time he saw her. No it was possessiveness, she was his and only his. No one else was allowed to touch the depths of her heart.

As he dragged her away from Darryl, claiming that a customer needed her, he was already planning how to get her to the breaking point yet again, to give him that look of absolute adoration. He knew she didn't really understand their eternal dance,was constantly hurt by it but as he looked into her wide brown eyes he thought for a moment he saw quiet acceptance and patience. And underneath it a pit of brightly burning embers, waiting for the day when his eyes looking back would reflect only all-consuming love.

**So I've been totally consumed by the Kelly/Ryan relationship in "The Office" lately but haven't found any really good fiction with the pairing. At least not any with the kind of vibe/energy I was looking for. But then my muse came knocking and this was the result. If you can't find it somewhere else, create it yourself ^^ **


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